


santa claus is inexcusable

by cg_lurks (cg_reads), ImagineTheHaus



Series: ITH Holiday Special 2k16 [11]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: 14 days to Haus Christmas, F/M, M/M, cameo by edward cullen (not really lol), eric bittle is a Little Shit, santa claus is coming to town, what a creep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 10:58:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9068659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cg_reads/pseuds/cg_lurks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineTheHaus/pseuds/ImagineTheHaus
Summary: Imagine the crew discussing the creepiness of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town"





	

“So we’re just going to sit here like this is normal?” 

Nursey, Dex and Chowder all lift their heads from their books at the corner table to give Ransom a look. Frantic studying before finals seems pretty normal. 

Shitty, from his place as Lardo’s personal body pillow on the couch appears to understand Ransom’s train of thought, though.

“I wasn’t going to say anything - holiday spirit or whatever - but, yeah, this is creepy as hell.”

“We talking the Santa thing again?” Holster asks as he settles expertly into the intricately arrayed study space around Ransom.

“Come on - this is weird. And wrong! Don’t cry - don’t pout? There’s a strange man watching as you sleep!” Ransom’s voice has crept into outside voice levels. Holster’s smile as he watches can only be described as sappy and embarrassing.

“That _is_  Edward Cullen levels of creep,” Lardo agrees, laying her book on Shitty’s chest and rubbing her eyes.

“Seriously,” Nursey adds, turning in his seat to send a loud series of cracks as he pops his back, “if Santa wasn’t a white guy he’d be on the six o’clock news as a fugitive. That’s why there’s all the outrage about the black Santa at Mall of America right now. Can’t have a non-white guy creeping on our kids.”

Lardo and Holster both chuckle at this.

“Guys,” Chowder groans, rubbing at his eyes, tired. “Can’t we just let this go? He’s a fictional character.”

“No, man, we can’t just sit around and let evil go unchecked. That makes us complicit in the problem.” It’s clear that studying is beginning to take its toll on Ransom. Holster shoots Chowder a sharp look. Apparently dissecting Santa’s creep-factor is a part of maintaining the reef.

“Ok, Santa’s a definite example of white privilege, but…” Shitty muses, “we still find Edward Cullen creepy. Does that mean his vampirism puts him into a minority group?”

“No!” Ransom, Lardo and Nursey respond in near unison.

“The world found Edward Cullen creepy because a large number of teenage girls became fans, and we all wanted to make sure they understand acceptable behavior from love interests in real life, regardless of skin color, looks, wealth, social status.” 

Every eye turns to Dex, a bit surprised by this insight. He shrugs and clears his throat and makes a point of returning back to his book. The crew on and around the couch pretend not to see Nursey’s foot reach out to rest against Dex’s.

“Yeah,” Lardo adds, “even if the vampirism was uncomfortable to deal with personally, he was still able to pass as a member of the most privileged group in our society.”

“Ok - Edward Cullen not a minority, and Santa still inexcusable,” Shitty notes.

“Completely inexcusable!” Ransom agrees.

“Not to mention the stress it puts on children to perform at the level of perfection without complaint out of fear for losing an end of year reward,” Holster says.

“Exactly!” Ransom’s eyes tell the story of a man long-haunted by just such a fear. Holster pats his knee affectionately.

“Guys,” Chowders hands are in his hair now. “Fairy tale. He’s a fairy tale.”

“ _But that’s not how we talk about him!_ That’s not what are parents **say**! They use him as a _tool. A system of manipulation. And CONTROL._ ” Whether it’s the studying or the memories, Ransom’s clearly shaken. Holster nudges books carefully out of the way to pull Ransom into a hug.

“Well, I like to use Santa’s costume - Mrs. Clause’s specifically - as a means to manipulate and control. Nothing like a short skirt and heels to bring a man to his knees,” Bitty says.

The tadpoles all scream. Lardo and Shitty burst into tear-forming laughter. Ransom and Holster look to each other before pulling out their phones to take notes.

Bitty, who’d just come in from a final, keeps heading right up to his room, shedding outer wear as he dialed Jack. 

**Author's Note:**

> We are always accepting new prompts at our [tumblr](https://imaginethehaus.tumblr.com) account, so feel free to drop by with a little headcanon or ask.


End file.
